my mind has been working on overload just thinking about different things, people, our relationships with others, ourselves and God.
maybe that's because it's the end of the year and that's how the cycle of our brains work, but i've just been taking it all in. this is my last week in austin, and while i'm counting down the days (mainly to move out of my apartment--note: the fire alarm went off from 1:30-3:30 the other night because of a malfunction...) i wanted to take a minute to share a little bit of what's been going on.
i have a lot i want to say, but it'll take the course of a couple different posts and they may not all be this week, or i might just keep these things to myself and never publish them. i like this place for the fluffy stuff but that's not what my life all is. i believe in transparency, and i don't want to be a fraud.
i've been learning so much and i'm finishing up a weird season in my life in which i felt sort of stagnant. just going through the motions, believing that i'm doing this all on my own--some stuff just hasn't been clicking this semester.
i've hated to admit it, and it's actually taking a lot of courage to put this into words, but to be honest my mind has been elsewhere all year. i've been bitter and wandering. i've been focused on places, people, and things that are not in front of me--things that are in the past or things that will be in the future. i've been focusing on how good things were at one point, or how great things will be once X, Y or Z happens. i've really viewed sophomore year as an in between time in my life: switching majors, living in an apartment, these things are temporary, and i've been waiting for them to pass. i've doubted that these were important times for me to grow. i've seen them as stepping stones.
i'm taking time to look back on my year, on things that disappointed me, on things i didn't understand, and i've once again been punched in the face by the Lord's goodness. so much of these things have seemed terrible in the time they were happening--tears have been shed, i've questioned why, i've complained--but these were all things that were beyond the small capacity of my mind. there's such beauty in my life now and so many blessings that i'm just now realizing are starting to unfold. if these terrible things hadn't happened, the goodness wouldn't have occurred.
okay yeah so how many times are you going to hear that cheesy "you can't have a rainbow without the rain" deal, but for me, the sophomore slump has been me saying "it's pouring and i don't have an umbrella... cool, God..." when in reality i should have started playing in the rain, because the goodness was to ensue. (please just murder me now for saying that i should have started playing in the rain... cheese ball...)
we forget these moments of rain are momentary, but not only that they are momentary, but they are important. there is significance in the now. don't discredit where you are.
in John chapter 20, there is a passage in which Mary Magdalene weeps at the empty tomb fearing that her Lord has been taken away. angels and Jesus ask mary why she is crying, but she has delved too deep into her depression to even realize it's Jesus asking her why she is weeping.
i'm mary. i'm mary a lot. i'm weeping in the now because these moments of difficulty are beyond my understanding and i'm an impatient person. thank goodness for grace.
maybe your year was incredible. maybe it was hard. maybe you felt meh. i felt meh. but there's such significance in the meh, there is a REASON for the meh, and i encourage you to rest in that.
you are loved. you are so dearly loved. it may feel like you aren't, but that's when you're being loved beyond your capability of understanding.
God, You are good.